truckload of maybes

somebody has been saying again and again that i seem so frustrated lately. i think it takes a close enough friend to point that out rather than to assume the obvious; hiding behind the facade of being tired and exhausted and distant. it's a gloria thing to shield and purge every less important thing out of her life while she deals with this. sigh, i need a holiday.

everyone thinks that oh, she's living the life. gloria, i wanna be like you. diving/traveling every weekend. honestly folks, im tired. tioman this weekend was quite a dread. i didnt even quite want to mingle and even if i did, i swore it was pure adrenaline that was pushing me thru.

i dont know what i need. and maybe thats the frustrating bit. maybe i just need something new. i need to get away? perhaps. robert has been enticing me with the idea of running away to a vineyard for a couple of weeks just to revitalise. it does seem very inviting, it really does. oh mama, i need space to breathe.

christine has been back for over a week while doulos is dry docking and i havent even made the effort to meet up with her either. kky had a housewarming/birthday dinner at her new place and i didnt show up either. not that i could anyway since i was in tioman, but that was besides the point. i'm becoming reclusive and ive been retreating into my cave and it isnt good. maybe i need a job. maybe i need a new guy. haha. maybe i need something totally new to spur me on. maybe i just need to get back to church. i dont know... i really dont know.

i know i've been sacrificing friendships and have been causing alot of unnecessary grief and worry while i dwell in my lull period. give me time. i want to do something different. i'm like in a cocoon stage right now, so please, bear with the silence for a bit.

theres swimming tonight and im so gonna just go thru the motion. i need something more challenging than this. oh God, give me some direction. maybe i just need to earn some money. buckets full of it. or something to that extent. maybe i just need to rant. maybe i just need to do something entirely different or to be somewhere entirely different. maybe i need to get a new pet, or get rid of the birds. or maybe i just need some retail therapy. oh robert would make such a good shopping buddy. maybe i just need to have one night of good solid clubbing and get wasted and resume the old gloria lifestyle for a change. or maybe i just need to sit out with kevin or jay at wala for a good cold pint of beer. or maybe i just need to whine and then suck it up and deal with life. sigh, i need a job. i cant sit around and say im gonna do this or that anymore. im tired of taking initiative. i just feel like being told of what to do. for now, watch me complain about this once that ever happens. as much as id say money isnt everything, it does give a certain sense of gratification. and maybe thats what i need and lack of. urgh, someone get me out of this soon. please.