i dont want to be here

i was supposed to come back all refreshed and rejuvinated. all ready and spruced up to face the world. now my days are filled with lamentations, and my nights, flooded with dreams of the people i have spent the past 2 weeks with, the creatures of the underwater world. and the worst of it all, my dreams come in picture frames, neatly composed, picture perfect for the occasion. what is happening to me! bring me back to manado please.

ive grown sooo depressed thru the past couple of days. and its really strange, i dont quite understand. i've been to places, but never back with so much anguish of having to be back here. ive never felt so sore about having to leave a place. maybe things were picking up and i was really starting to immerse into the culture of things, the way of life there. i was starting to fall in love with it, and whoosh! time to pack up gloria. time to leave.

trust me, i had to fight it off so badly, the thought of missing my flight back home. especially after william said, hey gloria, dont forget to leave something behind so you will HAVE to come back. urgh. dont kill me with those words.. you know i will definitely.

but i cant afford it. i know i need a job if i would want to return back, but having a job also means that i wouldnt be able to spend more than a week there. and i would want to spend a month long if i could the next time i get there. sigh. im such a wreck. i miss the whole bunch so bad.. :(

i havent done anything since ive been back apart from sleeping and drinking. its terrible. ive become such a hag. if i could grow a beard, it would have reached the pits of bunaken, like down the walls. i dont want to socialise, but i get lonely. i just want to curl up and hermitise and not have to face anyone. and with everything that is going on right now, i dont dare trust anyone anymore. i dont want to. i cant. i have nothing more to give. when you get brought down again and again, when you try with no returns, when you've reached the point where you just dont want to anymore, you shut off. thats where i am. and thats that i guess. nothing much anyone can do about it. not that anyone would anyway..

i need to run away.. time to pack bags and run off for the weekend again..