oh brother

I don’t know if I’ve been more short fused than usual, but I honestly felt that my brother could have used a tad more tactfulness when he spoke earlier on today. Even on the entire trip, his words and actions just sometimes urked the hell out of me. I mean, he’s still the guy I look up to, the guy who brought the guy out of Gloria. Who made me who I am today, the interest in photography, in weird strange creatures. The very same guy who has played a role, a big role in my upbringing. But its just different now. Somehow.

He can be such a Singaporean parent sometimes. Especially when it comes to animals. Him talking about monkeys having rabies and childlocking me in the car when we drove past the macaques, refusing to let me wind down the windows for some pictures. His comments when we saw the red-eared at the turtle sanctuary. Or when I shrieked, ahh! A civet cat! When we drove back to the resort and he went, yah, the culprit for SARS. Like seriously. I was way more interested in seeing that cutie out in the wild and he was stricken with stereotyped narrow-mindedness. Urgh! what stupidity sometimes. Don’t get me wrong, I think my brothers a very smart man. But seriously, think before you speak. Use what God gave you a little better. I might respect you a little more.

And when his daughter started to freak at the strange looking dogs we had at the kampong, he was like.. go kick the dog! Don’t worry, papa will punch the dogs for you. Do you honestly want to teach your kid things like that? Come on!

And then he kept going on and on about how dangerously I was driving just because I overtook him at one point. It was so frustrating driving behind him on convoy. He kept braking at the slightest things. So I sped up and sped off. And when I didn’t realise I had a police up my ass and didn’t make he way, he called me inexperienced and that I wasn’t alert at all and shouldn’t be driving. Just one incident strikes me off entirely. Fine. You’re the greatest. You’ve always been.

And then over lunch, I was labeled the worst of the lot. That I am always late. I’m apparently the best at it because I never do make it on time for family dinners at home. Has it ever crossed his mind that maybe I just don’t want to be there. they were laughing and joking about it the entire time. It didn’t tickle a single nerve in my body. I just sat there pretending to be engrossed with the sport diving magazine I was reading, shrug and went, whatever you think I am, I am.

I’ve been soooo irritable lately. I need to breathe. I think this trip to Manado will really do me some good. To really get away. Sunand mentioned about recognizing opportunities when it presents itself. I think I do recognize it, I just don’t try hard enough at seizing it. God open doors and has been again and again, I just don’t walk thru it, for some strange reason I cannot explain. Think about it, the moment I tendered, I see an ad in the papers for Nat Geo, the perfect job that I’ve always wanted. Then a scuba diver job at underwater world. A marketing exec job at the Tourism of Western Australia. Marketing exec at Sports Council. It’s endless! And what do I do? Sleep it off, not respond to its knocking at all. All because I’m unmotivated and unwilling to budge. I need a breakthrough! I need to breathe, take a step back and think and really decide what I want for myself this time. I need to reflect and turn my thoughts into action. How philosophical am I becoming. Gah. Maybe Logos to the Carribean will really do me some good. Hide and run away Gloria, why don’t you. Sigh.. guide me Lord. Kick me in the ass harder this time. I need to start budging quick.