broken

i just havent been feeling all that great lately. and knowing that its gonna be hell week for me this week does not make me feel the least bit better. i'm gonna be so freaking packed, id probably not have any room to breathe.

i keep having issues with everyone of late. ive just been so complainy, if i met myself, i'd probably hate myself. really, its that bad. i know i need to let it out, but maybe i should learn to shut up at times too. blah. maybe thats why ive only been wanting to meet people one on one. gloria doesnt quite like crowds right now. boo.

class today was good as usual, but i chose to sit alone this week. made me listen more. and got me less irritated as well. sometimes, i really am trying hard to tolerate my groupmates. its more superficial than anything else. and for that, only that, perhaps, might be the reason why i cant wait to finish school. its a freaking monday, and i'm telling them that i cannot meet up on friday, why not thurs, and they're like, uh..well. dont know, dont like. what the hell does 'dont like' mean. not as if i'm telling you on a wednesday night. dont be so freaking rigid. urgh. i so feel like punching her nose to the back of her head.

kevin finally called the other day. and it felt so darn awkward. i hate how hes acting so normal, and happy even, to hear my voice. and i feel terribly obliged to sound the same. urgh. you cant expect me to feel great after you've, without a word, disappeared for an entire year. id love to do the whole prodigal son thing on you, but really, i just cant do it. i cant do it without getting answers first. now he's shifting his entire birthday party from this week to the next because id be gone diving. thats like doublecheeseburgering me with 2 patties of obligations la. where you're making mr mac pickle my bestfriend all over again. i dont likee. i really dont. and yes, its random, but admist the frustration, i'm actually getting hungry.

i did like soup, just soup for dinner with roddy, then a little porridge with bapok, like a quart bowl. and its almost 530am. you honestly cant blame me. really. i worked hard at the gym just now.

speaking of which, gym was fun. and it strangely reminded me of selwyn. and its scary because i quite missed it. when i was looking at rod at the bench press, i was crudely stunned by way too familiar flashbacks. the whole, how much weight should i put? should i do more? i want bigger chest. i was just too familiar. too nostalgic. and that was what scared me. he will always be someone id talk about, that id admire... if only he had learnt to respect me more. i was just telling bapok over porridge, that if selwyn wasnt as psycho as he was, we'd probably still be together because i honestly enjoyed everything that we did together. and ben just doesnt quite fit that bill. and its really starting to annoy the hell out of me.

i used to be such an awesome girlfriend. id do everything for him, and because of him. after 2years, i just cant help but rebel. so id admit its been a year long of rebellion, and i'm getting a tad too used to it. i can even shock people by telling them im attached. or like how mosey asked yesterday whether we've broken up coz apparently someone told her so a long time back.

every single person would probably smack me hard in the head for saying this, but honestly, at this point of time, relationships are unneccessary. maybe like what bapok said, i really do need a boyfriend to tie me down from time to time, if not id be way too crazy, but still. i just need a really good bunch of friends. and that'll suffice. for now at least. not till when i get to a point where everyone starts settling down. maybe then, will i get a tad too lonely. hmm. interesting.

i really want someone to do things with. Sunand once said i treat ben too much like a buddy. maybe its true, but theres nothing wrong with that is there. shouldnt the one you love, be the one you'd wanna do everything with? i mean, you cant argue that relationships dont deepen when you bring it beyond mere tv, movies and dinners can you. and right now, its been just that. and i'm getting sick of it. sad to say. i need much more to satisfy that thirst of life in me. and i would love for him to join me, but it just breaks my heart to keep getting rejected. you'd say you dont love the things i do, but i dont love the things you do either. but i do it because i love you, not because i like it, but because i want to spend that extra time with you. and ben just never gets that. and im breaking apart because of that. im busying myself relentlessly because i'm going insane. its come to a point where since, he doesnt wanna do it with me, i'm just gonna do just about anything and everything then, with or without him. i just cant take it anymore.

i know i'm a really difficult person to love, but it really doesnt take that much effort to even try.