irreplaceble

i thought i was done. i thought i was ok. i thought i have quit whining and have churned my sorrow and resentment into hate and motivation to move on. but its oh so difficult. why must the process be so hard! why!

i finally got back to work after convincing myself that i do not want to go back. i've been finding every reason in this world not to be there. from MCs to urgent leaves, to whatever my brain is capable of churning out. so i managed to pull off a week from work. i filled my time with everything under the sun. everything non-bird related. i winced at every birdpark bus that went by. every Tourist Map of Singapore stand or ASA brochure stand sent shivers down my spine. its tricky working in a tourist attraction and not getting reminded of it in some way or another. i receeded into the rambai's comfort zone and refused to budge. id rather spend every minute there even if it meant doing housework. i really did think i was done, that i had gotten it out of my system.

BUT! i got to work today, dreading it at first. was greeted by the usual hellos and good mornings. i got my morning hug from chubs. everything was going fine and dandy. boring even. facebook started to bore the hell out of me. clearing mails wasnt all that enticing either. lunch was a little dreadful and i didnt quite had the mood to eat even though today's sambal fish looked darn appetising. and then rizal reminded me that its Ben & Jerry's free cone day! so we had more than 1. i shant reveal the hundreds we had.. so we had more than 1. hahaha.

we went around with mas in the clubcar. went to count the owls at world of darkness while the duo wall danced and did their own rendition of the pussy cat dolls. we went for the starling feeding and basically spent the afternoon chasing the birds and having coffee at dimbulah. then it hit me. then everything started to fall back into place. and i resumed straight back into my comfort zone. its like homeground to me. its more than a workplace. much more than any 'office' can offer.

im so brutally torn. i hate the fact that i HAVE to leave. im still so much in love with the park. ive tried convincing myself otherwise. trust me i have. to the point where i thought that was it. but no! nostalgia floods straight back in, it overwhelms you, it eats into your soul and never does let you go. why! i cant look at rizal and not see the sadness in his eyes even tho he's screeching to the next song that comes to mind. i cant look at van and know shes not going to have someone who knows exactly what shes going thru. who is she to bitch to with current colleagues like that. i cant run ard the park with mas or xiaoyi and do random things with.

i mean, where on earth would you have someone talk to you with a dove clasped in one hand and a saw bit in the other. its the little random day to day things like these that i will miss the most. the place that ive grown too deeply in love with. a place that is irreplaceble in my heart, my comfort zone, my petra.

please God, make it easier.. please..