because smiling will help

i had it all planned out. the way this blog post would have been. the words flowed easily like a gushing river all waiting to be heard. it wasnt nice and i know it would have been nasty. thank God i was just too busy to blog. thank God everything else had me distracted.

i woke up this morning feeling absolutely dreadful. the past few nights left me crashing immediately the moment i got home. at least i made it to my bed instead of crashing on the couch. the thought of the mother yelling her brains out at me of having a queen and not using it steered me straight back into my room. damn it. i love sleeping on couches. whats wrong with that. i remember how back at my old place, i would blast the aircon, snuggle under heavy quilts and have the tv watch me sleep. how i miss that badly.

so, as i was saying, ive been sleeping in my work clothes, hair still done, earrings still on, teeth unbrushed the past couple of nights. i was just too tired to move. even crawling under the sheets became a chore. its bad, its unhealthy, i dont understand whats wrong either.

i've been so extremely irritable of late. but too exhausted to even show it. this morning, the mother screamed her lungs out, yet again (whats new), about the birds the bees and the apple trees and my truckloads of clothes thrown at every corner of my room. i mean, i've tried really. i just have too much clothes. every girl can stand to testify what a chore this is. and i suck at keeping it neat and tidy. part rebellion part lazy. its hard to differentiate. i didnt even respond or look her in the eye. i would usually reciprocate and join in the beautiful orchestra of who-screams-louder. i'll usually win. that said, i really couldnt care less. picked up stuff off the ground just to shut the mother for abit, and shoved the birds into the big cage. babies are dead anyway. what perfect addition to my already screwed up week. the mother bird panicked insanely, she's quite psycho, the breeding bit has really gotten to her hard. so naturally, she'd cling onto my fingers attempting to yank a chunk out of me when i reached it. damnit. so felt like slamming her flat. urgh.. anger management issues gloria..now breathe breathe breathe....

i think i will have to take up ryan's offer for 200bucks for each conure. but thats so bloody low. urgh! i could easily sell one for twice of that. i'm visualising the birds in my head.. and they dont look like these cute little yellowish orangey sun conures anymore.. they're starting to resemble a particular hollis BCD i've been eyeing.. haha.. *poof* back to reality glor! you cruel cruel creature!

the sister was even worse. she kept stiring shit. purposely throwing comments when its least necessary, provoking the mother to activate her hollering.. urgh! and its making me not want to approve complimentary admission to the park for her 50 YMCA kids. too bad. suck it up. i'm really not in a charitable mood gracie ngoi, you pushed the wrong buttons.

and then i left the house. like finally, what the helll. was late as usual. jumped right into a cab again. i've been cabbing to work for the past month. its so unhealthy. its insane! i'm throwing money into the cab economy too generously when i can barely feed myself. what is going on.... it seems to be like my only consolation to running a midnighter the day before.

the cab driver, probably 5 times my age (HE SHOULDNT EVEN BE DRIVING!) was like.. half deaf! my ass. i had to yell at the top of my lungs to even tell him where i was going. and i absolutely HATE how people go.. huh.. when you've said it 9832409823 times. urgh! so bloody annoying. got to work all set and ready to punch the daylights out of the next person who tugged at my strings. God! give me a break!

then i got in, had a MOUNTAIN of emails to clear. funny how fast peoples fingers can type within an hour.. and heard the news from david about Ayaka, the jap diver who got killed by the propeller over the weekend at tioman. like shiiiitttzuu la. of all people... i've even taken pictures with her before on our previous dive trip to dayang. sigh. its just too unfortunate. its easy to die aint it, but the people who's been left behind really suffers. i was reading about the blog her best friend created in memory of her and its heartbreaking. i was just talking to christine about it and i cannot imagine it being either way between us both. i might die if i was in her shoes, the best friend, not the dead diver of course...

the only things that keep me going from hour to hour, i've realised, are the random conversations i have with sh oogling at the next gorgeous photo we've uncovered.. with chubhubs annoying me with his endless crooning. which i love, by the way, but which i shall never admit to. his head will explode with utmost ego-ness. haha. mas shooting rubber bands at me from behind.. the small things will get me going. but right now, like what nur said, i'd need to plaster a smile on my face and everything will be alright. it had better be. i'm holding you to that nur. i know its all a state of mind. think happy thoughts! i'd only be as upset as i tell myself to be. so breathe gloria, take a step back and flash those yellow coffee/tea stained teeth. someone's gonna love it somehow......i hope...OH QUIT IT GLORIA.. rid the pessismist! now lets try it again..

someone's gonna love it somehow.. there. :)