Be still and know

i look like a wreck. my hair smells, and my knees are stained with dirt from the gym floor earlier on. i shant even start on my mud stained toenails from frisbee on sunday. i could really use a shower, yet still, i need to get this out. right now, right this second before it slips through my fingers and my mind with my superb memory sense.

now, today was different. not like any other. though the day was filled with typical every monday stuff, it was one hell of a rollercoaster ride emotionally.

i refused to get out of bed today. i retreated under my sheets knowing that ive got a full fledged day to face. and i shudder at the thought of my group mates cursing me under their breath about me and my lack of discipline. everything just made so much more sense to hide and disappear. so i finally dragged my ass up at 2pm. not something im very proud of. i really could use less sleep. and lugged my unwilling feet down the stairs to get the door for bapok. he ever so kindly delivered lunch right to my doorstep. i cant help but to love him more. really.

so i had lunch. i had company for lunch. and i had tv along with it too. we watched aimlessly, and wasted the entire afternoon away while he busied himself downloading drivers and programmes for his pc. i just wasnt in the mood for anything. i didnt wanna do anything.

ben wasnt picking any of my calls up. and with whatever i said to him last night, i know it wasnt out of anger or frustration, i meant it. and scarily enough, i didnt regret it. i needed him to know. and as usual, he brushed it away, refusing to talk about it when he called earlier on.

i really wasnt bothered with the fact that we werent talking. it was more of, what next. now what. what is to come? i needed to know. and i hate the mangly dangly feeling of not knowing. emotional clutter isnt something i absolutely adore. and i know i wouldnt miss it either. i wanted it out. but i really didnt know how.

i stood in the train on my way to kevins for gym. and i had music plugged into my ears. and it sang, "be still and know that He is God."

Be still and know that He is God
Be still and know that He is holy
Be still, O restless soul of mine
Bow before the Prince of peace
Let the noise and clamor cease

let the noise and clamor cease. in this crazy world, where are we to find peace? how are we to settle ourselves down, take a step back and let this racing pace run by us. i needed to know that even if everything changes, if everyone failed us, we still have an unchanging, unceasing, ever faithful God. and the truth of those lyrics just brought me down rock bottom. "stand in awe and be amazed and know that he will never change". i need not say more.

i stood by the pole, disgusting pole, as what christine would call it. filled with all bacteria of the world combined and multiplied. hugged it and teared. i need peace. i need a stable ground for my badly shaken heart.

gym went well. it was good infact. then dinner and i got home. i started racing through the pages of lance armstrong. though im only halfway through, i wanna get it done by tonight. i picked up the guitar, i pounded the strings away. from rock songs, to ballads, to random plucking then to old old hymns.

and i sang and sang, "..only you can make me whole, give me strength and make me grow..into your hands, i commit again, with all i am.. in my life Lord, be glorified, be glorified!" and that killed me. be glorified. was i doing that? the immense guilt and shame broke me down. and i cried and cried and cried. and it was oddly refreshing. and it brought peace along with it. the peace that passes all understanding. the peace when in trial and tribulations, breaks forth all barriers. the peace that my heart badly yearned and ached for. and it felt so good.

i could go on about His wonders and grace. how He works so mysteriously. and i look upon my wretched life. about how i can never come close to deserving such mercy and grace, yet still i take it for granted. now every problem seems so small. whatever happens to ben and i doesnt seem to matter anymore. whatever ive done, be it thought, deed, or words, no longer seems important. all i want to do is to cling on to His hand, and with a childlike faith, i know i will get through.