what have i done for Him?

having not blogged for quite a bit means i havent been keeping track of my life for the past week. and it feels strange not having something to look back upon. i used to journal, at random times of my life where i really needed an outlet to express thoughts that wouldnt be read by anyone. it was a good habit, as what my dad would say, and he even published journal writing materials! it was called the spiritual journal where it had different categories to fill up on a daily basis. there was ur journal part, and the things to thank God for, things to pray about, things u wanna change..it was good, and i remember using it quite frequently. it kept my quiet time in check, my daily walk with God in check, it made me thankful for so many things that were small yet significant, it made me take note of prayer items i needed to pray about. i used to pray so much! i realised. i used to pray so fervently and unceasingly, and i dont know where all that desire got chucked to. i need to pray, i need to ask God for direction for my soon to be directionless life. i used to have an 'appreciation sunday' entry in my journal to thoroughly reflect and think through the past week in retrospect. what happened to that? technology has advanced aye, journals are replaced by blogs and e-journals. but shouldnt it still be as God centred as it was last time?

so i'm up, its almost 2am, ive an accounting paper in less than 7 hours, and a following paper straight after. i need my sleep, all logic tells me i should turn in, but i choose to write. i need to write. i need to express my feelings of late. i need to encapsulate the essence of whats going through my head right this instant, since feelings are temporal aye..who knows what ure gonna think or feel not just 5 hours from now, 5 mins even, feelings can change given just 5 seconds. a mighty brain we have, supported by the mighty heart we have, created by our mighty Lord amen? haha.

i got out of the shower, and saw my dad kneeling down in prayer in the living room. he never prays in the living room, just his conference room or his own bedroom. so i asked him what was wrong, he said he needed to pray for me, and so he did. and i asked him again, whats wrong, pop? he just looked so, i dont know, i dont quite know how to explain. so in pain. just looking at him brought tears to my eyes. he has been having such bad skin irritations its causing him to suffer so greatly. its been half a year..who has rashes for half a year! rashes that turns to boils and pus-sy wounds. and he's still so faithful. so very faithful. he thanks God again and again for renewing his life physically. for 'changing his skin' literally. not a word of complaint, not a word of agony do i hear from him, but a heart filled with thanksgiving, of faith that God will heal. all i wanted to do was to break down and cry, and pray for him, but i didnt. i walked back into my room after saying goodnight. what kind of daughter leaves his dad when hes in dire need of companionship? where is God in my life? do i still know how to pray? i know ive strayed. but this is just too far! way out of comfort..where is that first love when he touched my heart for the first time. in the dark little corner of my heart boxed up for sunday services? it isnt just a religion. and i know that so well! its a relationship, with the one true living God, our saviour, our king, our teacher, our father, and our best friend. what has he done to deserve such an unfeeling, unloving child who only cheapens his death on the cross, taking for granted that he laid down his life for me, for MY sins, for MY salvation. he has given me life, he has been faithful, what have i done for him?