pew warmer, church goer, hand shaker.

hey, maybe my efforts in trying to drag the people i care most about down for the musical paid off, in some way or another. i wouldnt know for sure, but i do hope and pray that somewhere deep within ur hearts, God spoke to u somehow.

its scary to think about how the end is drawing so near. the signs that the bible had predicted are fulfilling themselves. and its churning a desperate desire within me to rectify my relationship with God. its so natural to pray and thats the scary part. i no longer know whether it's out of mere habit or its because God is a part of my life. i see the people around me getting so spirtitually mature, people i used to be close to. is my lifestyle to blame for the change of friends? what happened to the gloria that used to be so active in church, so on fire for God? its becoming so routine, ive lost the desire to let God in. ive shut him out, slammed my doors straight in his face. he being the gentleman, leaves. i hate that! i hate knowing that my life has become so God-deprived. its way pass habits, its way pass routines, its all about u, Jesus, and i want my life centred around u, not the other way around. as much as the earth revolves around the sun, i want my life revolving around the Son as well. i need u Lord, i need to change this heart of mine. i need to rid all worldly desires and trust in u alone. but why is so difficult? spirit willing, flesh weak? God..help me..

ive been thinking quite a bit lately. maybe its the whole getting a year older routine, but it has made me realise that im not quite the person i used to be. i drink alot more, i even wanna club, and i dont mind smoking as much as i did before. is it solely part of growing up where u'd learn to accept things that u used to hate? i detested smoking and clubbing in the past. what has happened? am i living my life straight out to stumble those that look up to me as what a christian should be? then i must be careful! i need to watch my actions! but shouldnt it take an unconcious effort? shouldnt my desire for wanting to obey and please God show in my actions? rah! what is this! how big a disappointment ive become...

i could sit here all day and lament about what i could have become, or what i should have become. i do know i need to change. and my own human strength isnt sufficient. i cant bear to imagine how much regret i would be living in if my friends in future were to blame me for not sharing christ with them. i cant imagine how judgement day would be like if i were to go to heaven and my dearest friends not, because i hadnt be radical enough to share the truth! i need to get my ass up, stop being a pew warmer, be ablaze for God, stop being a sundays only church goer, be a friend, and not just a hand shaker! i will, i shall! God, i will do u proud!